


A Chronology

by idhrenn



Category: No Fandom
Genre: Depression, Other, Poetry, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-27
Updated: 2017-06-27
Packaged: 2018-11-19 21:55:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 388
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11322516
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/idhrenn/pseuds/idhrenn
Summary: A chronology from anxiety over depression to self-harm to recovery and then back to relapse again...





	A Chronology

**Author's Note:**

> TW for self-harm & depression, please don't read this if you're easily triggered  
> For everyone else: "enjoy"

**anxiety** : terror creeping, crawling up my spine to my neck  
and making a nice home inside my head  
worrying, thoughts turning in my head like a whirlwind,  
the future seems unreachable, the past is screaming at me:  
**failure, failure! You couldn't handle anything back then**  
**why do you think that will change**  
paranoia, is that girl talking about me? laughing at me? everybody hates me  
panic attacks, hyperventilating, feeling like death is coming to claim me and  
my heartbeat's like a machine gun, too loud  
i can’t hear anything, am I already dead?  
looking around in crowded trains and lecture halls, searching for the nearest exit  
always in panic mode, at night in bed lying awake not sleeping again, worrying  
mind going at full-speed

**depression** : mind a jumbled mess, thoughts of suicide, then emptiness  
headaches, days spend in bed, no shower for 3 days straight,  
either eating like a pig or coffee  
ten cups a day just to stay awake, alive  
plans canceled at the last minute, missed texts and calls from friends left unanswered  
homework left undone, missed classes and bad grades in tests  
teachers telling me to solve my problems  
_how could I not have thought of that myself, thanks_  
sadness, numbness, days seeping into each other,  
happiness a distant star who's been left for dead  
light not reaching me, lost in a dark hole –  
surrounded only by death

**self-harm** : locking myself in the bathroom taking the razor to my skin  
watching the blood coming out of the rifts  
its so red – so beautiful, addicting yet hurtful  
going to a store at 7 pm to get new razors,  
taking the elevator in the middle of the night  
to get a first aid kit out of my mother's car  
healing wounds, itching and tingling for days  
getting ointment as a birthday present  
left with scars on my arms, legs and a hole carved in my chest  
a graveyard for my heart, a place to rest  
long sleeves in summer, winter, always  
stares, questions: _why are you like this?_  
_What the hell I wrong with you?_

_I wish i knew_

**recovery:** throwing all the razors away, start going out of your house again,  
feel better thinking its all done, 100 days passed  
then one day you do it again, day 0 is here

**relapse** : the cycle begins anew


End file.
